Thursday, November 21, 2002

11:22 pm. I am sitting in my computer room typing away, trying to force myself to be tired. I've got a few big days ahead of me, so sleep is a necessity. Although as most things in my life work, when I need it most, it fucks with me. Tons of family that I haven't seen for over five years is here. That's why I am up in the computer room, sleeping in the little bitch bed. The reasons for the family visit is not a good one though. My grandfather served in World War II, he was there in Normandy, and last the whole way through. He was always a very quiet man and always cared for me as any grandfather would. But now comes a deeper challenge, clogged arteries. He was rushed from Prescott, and immediately checked out, and did not undergo surgery till today. He has a double bi-pass, and is doing alright as of now. But there is still so much work to be done. I know if anyone can make it, he is the man for the job.
My cousin in Japan, Myself, and another cousin of mine were all born within 3 weeks of each other. We were always the little babies. My other cousin is named Jenny, and I haven't seen her for at least five years. We have never really gotten a chance to talk until tonight. Jenny is seventeen, and has a little baby girl named Rainy. She is the most beautiful little girl I have ever seen. We talked and I haven't talked with someone like that in a very long time. So much had happened to the both of us, she got pregnant when she was 15 and decided to keep the baby. And after holding the little one in your arms, it wouldn't matter what the circumstances were to keep it, it wouldn't matter. I really haven't felt good for so long. Good is horrible word choice, but some how it describes it best. Maybe I just never feel at peace. And finally I do. To sit and hold this thing, and you can feel its heartbeat. Everything is silent, and you hold life in your hands. There is nothing more beautiful. For so long I constantly beat myself up over so many things with Alecia and so many other things, but in those few moments everything else didn't exists. If you have ever seen the movie Gross Pointe Blank, than I am more than proud of you, one of my favorite flicks. The part where he goes back to the reunion and holds the baby, and the baby just stares back. That’s exactly how it felt. Amazing. All those little things in your life, no matter how big they feel, suddenly become so trivial. It is fucking amazing is what it is. I could never do this moment in my life justice; there are no words that can. By no means am I in any rush to have a kid. Seriously. But if you ever get a chance, hold a baby.
Shadup. Yea, I have one too, internet don got me good, not to mention there is hardly anything more fun than html. But I can work on all that on a later date. As of now I am much too lazy, and would rather write than work on the page. So as my first few posts, don't expect much, because it won't be there. But if you can keep your pants on, I'll fix it up good.